True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
