this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My pussy is not your playground.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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