i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Randomize
