They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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