Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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