i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
