you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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