I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
