So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
