While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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