So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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