I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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