Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
