sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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