shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
