Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize