i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
