Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
