i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
