My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
