my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
