Tell her she can't have a vagina
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
