when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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