You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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