I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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