Having a random hookup so left but love u
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
