The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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