Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
