oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
