So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
