Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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