dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
