I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
