i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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