Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
