then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
