I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
