Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
