im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
