What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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