We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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