I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
