just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
