explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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