Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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