his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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