Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
