also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sorry my hands just texted you
me + whiskey = a bad person
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
