You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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