Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
