He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
