Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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