Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
