If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize