thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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