if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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