You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Alive.
So much puke
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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