Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
